It's been a little while friends. Winter was long, and hard
There's this thing that happens after you go through body back, someone usually gets pregnant. I can see how it happens, you have more energy, you're feeling good, lookin' good, and then comes baby. Well, after I completed body back, I got pregnant! I was thrilled, we were thrilled. After having an early miscarriage over the summer this baby was an answer to hopes and prayers.
Naturally I was a bit nervous, but after a 9 week appointment and hearing that beautiful reassurance of a heartbeat, I calmed down. I put myself into some maternity jeans and we told family, told the kids, and started picturing life with 4 kids. 4 car seats, 4 little faces, 4 kids at the table.
When I went in at 14 weeks I brought all the kids thinking how cool it would be to hear the babies heartbeat. I knew after the first few seconds of searching with the doppler that something was wrong. After that didn't work and looking on the ultrasound it was confirmed that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. At 13 weeks the baby stopped growing.
That timeline was so hard. Wondering if it was something I did. Did I drink too much coffee? Carry something too heavy? Forget to take my vitamins? Searching through the last week for something I had done to cause this. I wanted something, someone to blame hoping it would ease the sadness. The deep sense of loss and sadness. Obviously nothing would ease it and there wasn't anything or anyone to blame.
There were many days of deep sadness, scary sadness, numb sadness. The only thing that helped was knowing I wasn't alone. Hearing from women who have gone through the same scenario, coming along side me in the sadness and saying, "I know it hurts, I know it's painful, it's okay to be mad, you'll make it."
I think that is so true of motherhood in general. It is the most joyful and isolating experience. It's so important to know you're not alone. You're kid never sleeps, you're not alone. Some days you lock yourself in the bathroom to avoid screaming at your kid, you're not alone. Sometimes you scream at your kid, you're not alone. Feeling sad, you're not alone. You are not alone! It not only takes a village to raise a kid, it takes a village to raise a mom.
I can not say enough good things about this group, these classes. Can't make it to class, make it to a moms night, or a play date. Reach out, someone will be there.
I haven't been to classes in a while, but these woman, this village that I have, saw me through a really hard time. These woman that I met when I had 3 kids under 3 and didn't know what day or time it was, grieved with me and were there for me, checking on me and seeing me to sunny days. And reminding me that I'm not alone.
So spring is here. The sun is shining and everything is coming back to life.